Last night, for the first time since we lost her, I dreamed. Perhaps it was because i finally had some sort of closure from the funeral yesterday. It doesn’t matter, but I dreamt, and it was more vivid, horrendous, and awful than any I’ve had before. Yet somehow it felt to me like there was a profound encounter lying beneath the surface of what I can remember, but I just can’t quite lay my finger on it.
Here it goes, what I can remember….
*Amanda died on her way home from the funeral. In a car accident. At he four way stop between my house and great grandpas. T-boned. She was going to visit my family because they wouldn’t go visit her.*
This is not hard to interpret. It’s was the same way that we first heard that Tay had died. And despite my struggle with amanda, she knew her in a way I didn’t and visa versa. Together our memories and stories are whole. Together we keep her memory alive, all of her. In that way I feel connected to Tay by being connected to amanda.
Because of this my grieving mind pushed me to relive my sense of loss, but with amanda as a substitute.
Next: I was sitting in the field on the Far East side of our property. Only it wasn’t our actual fence line, It was the one that only exists in my dreams…I’ve been there before. I was with someone. It looked Dallas, but it wasn’t, they felt different. Different but extremely familiar. For a while I thought it was like Taylore, it was kinda like her eyes and soul, still however it was different. Whoever it was, We sat side by side grieving, gazing at the stars. Slowly a group of teens showed up on the opposite side of the fence. They didn’t see us and we were perfectly still. They drank and shouted, oblivious, and we looked on in sadness. Suddenly they lit a firework…it was beautiful and lit the country side. But the second one they lit shot to the ground and started the hill ablaze. I had jumped up in panic after the first firework, I knew they had to be stopped. But whoever it was that I was with pulled me back down gently with the saddest look I’ve ever seen in anyone’s eyes, with a finger to their lips they softly said ” No Sam”. Then they ushered me back up the hill, back towards the house. The fire raged around and behind us, but we just walked slowly, arm in arm and in perfect peace.
I knew later that the area was checked to find the cause of the fire but I had been saved from blame because that person had stopped me from crossing the fence.
Come to think of it maybe the person/ presence was Jesus. The soft brown eyes. The perfect calm/peace. They felt familiar, but in a new way. I woke the following morning with the name Melchizedek on my mind. I hadn’t the slightest clue why, however the name seemed to fit the figure who met me in my dreams.
(One week later)
After a week of reflecting on this encounter I am certain that it was Jesus. Not a Jesus that was created as figment of my day imagination in my dreams, but actually God. He was there bestowing peace in my mind, saving me from the terrors attacking my mind.
Shadows of My Dead Reality's 